Talk to most hockey fans and they’ll tell you they’re sick and tired of being priced out of arenas across North America. Rising ticket costs are a problem everywhere you go. Well, except for the Sunshine State. The Florida Panthers are offering season tickets for $7 a game, meaning you can see every home game for a grand total of $287. Here are six ridiculous “hockey” items on Amazon that you probably won’t believe cost more than that.
6. Pangea Laptop Backpack, $299
Item description: Congrats to the 2011 Stanley Cup champs, the Boston Bruins! Show off your Bruins pride with this computer backpack from Pangea.
Our sales pitch: “Because that $300 laptop you just bought demands to be carried around in a bag of equal value! With a crappy, lifeless graphic!”
5. Slap Shot Kids Desk, $290
Item description: Hockey slap shot kids desk. Smooth pull drawers. Coordinating furniture sold seperately [sic].
Our sales pitch: “If you can’t stand your child, our ugly-as-sin, poorly-constructed desk with its uneven drawers and illogically-placed holes is the PERFECT back-to-school gift.”
4. Hockey Skate and Puff Cufflinks, $345
Item description: The perfect gift for a man with a real passion for sports or a great addition to an already novel collection of cufflinks.
Our sales pitch: “For the man who loves frivolous purchases and thinks wearing CCM Tacks on his wrists is both fashionable and warrants his coworkers’ respect.”
3. Hockey Player Spring Ring Charm, $329
Item description: Designed in 14KT Yellow Gold this diamond charm features 0.1 CT in diamonds.
Sales pitch: “Ignore any and all comments about this beautiful concoction not being lifelike. We know a bunch of hockey players with giant holes in their faces.”
2. Music Jewelry Box, $309
Item description: Very
exclusive one of a kind “HOCKEY” theme music jewelry
box, perfect for any Baseball fan. This item is absolutely
Sales pitch: “Be sure to also check out our one of a kind 'DEEP SEA FISHING' theme music jewelry box, perfect for any Chess fan.”
1. Childrens Log Skichair, $299
Item description: Even a Buffalo Sabers [sic] fan can get behind the Childrens Hockey Log Skichair. Built to perfectly fit your little hockey fan.
Our sales pitch: “The perfect chair for risking damage to your child’s spine. Even a Buffalo Sabres fan could get behind that!”
This article originally appeared in the September 2013 issue of New England Hockey Journal.