September 21, 2013

Stupid hockey items costlier than Panthers season tickets

By Jesse Connolly

Talk to most hockey fans and they’ll tell you they’re sick and tired of being priced out of arenas across North America. Rising ticket costs are a problem everywhere you go. Well, except for the Sunshine State. The Florida Panthers are offering season tickets for $7 a game, meaning you can see every home game for a grand total of $287. Here are six  ridiculous “hockey” items on Amazon that you probably won’t believe cost more than that.

6. Pangea Laptop Backpack, $299

Item description: Congrats to the 2011 Stanley Cup champs, the Boston Bruins! Show off your Bruins pride with this computer backpack from Pangea.

Our sales pitch: “Because that $300 laptop you just bought demands to be carried around in a bag of equal value! With a crappy, lifeless graphic!”

5. Slap Shot Kids Desk, $290

Item description: Hockey slap shot kids desk. Smooth pull drawers. Coordinating furniture sold seperately [sic].

Our sales pitch: “If you can’t stand your child, our ugly-as-sin, poorly-constructed desk with its uneven drawers and illogically-placed holes is the PERFECT back-to-school gift.”

4. Hockey Skate and Puff Cufflinks, $345

Item description: The perfect gift for a man with a real passion for sports or a great addition to an already novel collection of cufflinks.

Our sales pitch: “For the man who loves frivolous purchases and thinks wearing CCM Tacks on his wrists is both fashionable and warrants his coworkers’ respect.”

3. Hockey Player Spring Ring Charm, $329

Item description: Designed in 14KT Yellow Gold this diamond charm features 0.1 CT in diamonds.

Sales pitch: “Ignore any and all comments about this beautiful concoction not being lifelike. We know a bunch of hockey players with giant holes in their faces.”

2. Music Jewelry Box, $309

Item description: Very exclusive one of a kind “HOCKEY” theme music jewelry box, perfect for any Baseball fan. This item is absolutely irresistable [sic].

Sales pitch: “Be sure to also check out our one of a kind 'DEEP SEA FISHING' theme music jewelry box, perfect for any Chess fan.”

1. Childrens Log Skichair, $299

Item description: Even a Buffalo Sabers [sic] fan can get behind the Childrens Hockey Log Skichair. Built to perfectly fit your little hockey fan.

Our sales pitch: “The perfect chair for risking damage to your child’s spine. Even a Buffalo Sabres fan could get behind that!”

This article originally appeared in the September 2013 issue of New England Hockey Journal.

Twitter: @JesseNEHJ