Are you a fan of the National Hockey League? Do you have familiarity with Twitter? Would your family, friends and comrades throughout the internet agree that you’re a full-fledged knucklehead, have a horrible sense of humor, and that the last thing you should ever do is put yourself in a position where you’re expected to be funny?
Boy, do I have one helluva suggestion for you, my new friend. It sounds like you should start up an NHL parody account!
Here are my step-by-step instructions on how to showcase what an unfunny dimwit you are… all while pretending to be a pro hockey player!
PICK YOUR PLAYER
The first thing you’ve got to do – and one of the few elements of this you’ll “get right,” so to speak – is to pick a player that’s actually interesting. Try to think of someone who’s a prolific superstar, a firecracker around the media or plays like a puke-inducing punk.
For those of you who selected anyone along the lines of Chuck Kobasew or Anton Babchuk, please walk away from your computer screen, bang your head against an impenetrable wall repeatedly, sit back down and try again.
Once you’ve got your guy, it’s time to really get the ball rolling. Head to Twitter and click the sign-up icon. From there, put in your full fake name (don’t screw this up, moron), a legit email address, a good password (so Sarah Phillips can’t hack you) and – most importantly – a catchy username that people won’t forget.
Seeing as how you’re in the business of exhibiting your stupidity, make a noticeable spelling error that anyone with half a ****ing brain would manage to avoid. In no time, you’ll be getting an email that’ll look like this:
STEAL A PHOTO
Since you obviously don’t have a legally-obtained photo of the NHL player you plan on impersonating, you’re going to have to steal one. Legal worries? Haha! Don’t worry about it. People steal pictures on the internet all the time!
All you have to do is go to Google and type in the player’s name (don’t click “search instead for shawn thorten”), or just go to your favorite hockey website and look for him on there (not a bad idea, as you could gather some important information about him this way).
Then all you’ve got to do is right-click (with your mouse), save the picture and voila! Interweb robbery completed!
Upload that bad boy and we’re good to go!
WRITE A CRAPPY BIO
The keys to writing a crappy bio are as follows:
1) Be very brief.
2) Say something no one with an ounce of humility would ever write.
3) Never give away that you’re actually a fraud. That way you can gain a bunch of followers, because people who are just as moronic as you might actually fall for this.
The end result should look something like this:
TWEET YOUR HEART OUT
If you weren’t such a bonehead, you’d realize your schtick would get unfunny after about five minutes. Thankfully that’s not the case, so you can go ahead and make the same lame jokes over and over and over. The best part of all this? People will actually find it amusing and retweet you all the time, enhancing your popularity in the Twitterverse endlessly!
So if you decide to transform yourself into “Shawn Thorten,” go ahead and keep tweeting that whole “Man I’d to love to punch (someone’s name) in the face!” joke until your fingers bleed.
Here are a few examples of things you will find hysterical, but no one else will once your M.O. runs dry:
TWEET IN CHARACTER
Never lose sight of the fact that you’re “Shawn Thorten” of the Boston Bruins and your job is to punch people in the face. If you ever stray from your character and people believe you are in fact Jimmy Pimpleface in mom’s basement, the jig is up.
The key to keeping every donkey following you fooled is to send tweets to teammates and other people that the real person you’re pretending to be would actually know, even if what you say has zero truth to it.
HIT A WALL
A time will eventually come when even you feel like you’re running out of material. This is a natural occurrence for parody accounts. The key here in remaining a complete waste of space on the world wide web is to not break your flow and suddenly become innovative. Stand in front of a mirror and say the following to yourself:
“New jokes? F*** new jokes! I’m Shawn Thorten’s fists, and I’m one funny son of a b****!”
Once you’re done giving out your personal pep talk, keep trotting out the same tired one-liners that’ll make 90 percent of your followers go, “Why on ****ing earth did I ever follow this guy?”
Don’t be deterred if you start losing followers or people start sending angry tweets and direct messages your way. That’s proof positive you’re nailing your attempt to be an obnoxious turd.
END OF THE LINE
Unless you’re among the one percent of people who can sustain a run of funniness, it’s almost a foregone conclusion that your tenure as manager of a lame NHL parody account will meet its demise.
In the event you don’t get tired of trying to keep your crummy tweets coming, there’s still a chance – despite the million-or-so parody accounts on Twitter – that the internet police will come cracking down on you for falsely impersonating someone, leading to this:
But if there’s any justice in the world for those who had their Twitter feeds spoiled and precious time wasted by your tweets, you’ll meet a different fate. Heck, maybe if we’re lucky the real Shawn Thornton (honestly, that’s how you spell it) will show up at your front door and – you guessed it – punch you right in that stupid face of yours.
Have questions, comments or concerns about starting an NHL parody account on Twitter? Email Jesse Connolly at firstname.lastname@example.org or reach out to him on Twitter at @JesseNEHJ. Yes, bozo, that’s really him.